Just for Laughs

from www.humordb.com

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -particularly in the flower and jewellery applications which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programmes such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

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Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over-use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 programme. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great programme, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support



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A wealthy and very well-dressed stockbroker arrived at a psychiatrist's office to talk about his anxieties.

The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified gentleman parked his Porsche and entered the doctor's office.

The psychiatrist greeted him.

"Doctor, I am so compulsive!" cried the Wall Street broker. "I have to do everything perfectly. I can't stand the anxiety!"

The doctor said: "Alright, take this test first". He handed the broker a form.

"What is this?" asked the stockbroker anxiously.

"It's just a test - to show how well you can follow directions. I'll be back in 20 minutes" and the psychiatrist left the stockbroker alone in the office with the test.

The broker stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped.

"This is an outrage! But I HAVE to pass the test.." he said out loud. "I can't make mistakes!"

Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled off his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers dress shoes. Then he peeled off his silk socks.

The now barefoot businessman then carefully folded the socks, put them in the shiny, expensive shoes and, with a groan, dropped them in the garbage can.

A minute later, he gathered his courage again, shook his head, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed.

A moment later, the stockbroker dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively.

Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit, and his starched white shirt, folded them up and stuffed them in the garbage.

The broker finally sat down in his shorts and finished his work, shaking with anxiety.

The doctor came back, looked around, saw the stripped Wall Street financier and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and is stunned. "Why did you do this?" he asked in bewilderment. "What is going on?"

The broker, formerly so well-dressed, dignified and impeccably groomed, angrily and wearily picked up the test.

"Why didn't you warn me about this before I came, doctor? It says right here: ALL questions MUST be answered in BRIEF! No exceptions!"